So I wanted to talk about something that not a lot of us talk about, yet so many of us have felt it. Bump loss. And its very much a real thing. It is real, and you shouldn’t feel silly for feeling that way. You are entitled to miss your bump, it was a huge part (literally) of your life for 9 months. You are entitled to feel jealous or upset when you see other pregnant bellies walking around. You’re having to adjust to this new baby, and new body.. AGAIN.
Some of us would give anything to have our bumps again, to feel the little movements and kicks. If I could have both Zachary here in my arms, and simultaneously in my tummy.. I would. In a heart beat. And I’m sure many of us would too.
So it was at about eight or ten week post partum that it really hit me, the bump loss. I had actually missed my bump more or less from the minute Zachary was born (okay maybe like an hour after he was born and I was made to get up and go bathe after being stitched up, and I looked in the mirror and to my horror it was gone. And i mean literally, my bump disappeared completely and all that was left was a tiny ball of skin that soon shrank back within a few short weeks.) But it was about then I started to feel like I was mourning the loss of my bump. I felt completely ridiculous because I knew that I was lucky enough to have my beautiful, healthy baby boy right here in my arms. And I felt like I had no right to feel like this. But in my own mind, I felt like I was grieving the loss of my baby belly. I cried whenever I thought about not being pregnant. I cried when I wore clothes that the last time I wore my belly filled. I cried when I saw pregnant women, or announcements, or even birth announcements. I felt (and still feel) like I couldn’t handle it. And I felt awful, because the people who were announcing they were having babies did nothing wrong, but I would delete them from my social media so I wouldn’t upset myself even more. And do you know what? That’s absolutely okay to do. If you need to make some changes for your own sake, make them. People will understand, and if they don’t, then believe me, when they have their own baby or experience something similar, they will.
I have Zachary in my arms, and he’s here and more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. But I also deeply, deeply miss him being in my tummy. So very much. I miss the movements, the feeling of being absolutely complete (I still very much have this now but it was in a different sense when he was in my tummy).
There’s a lot of feelings that I never knew I would feel once I was post partum. There’s a lot the baby book, health visitors and midwives don’t tell you. I think it’s so important that women understand that no matter what you feel, weather its something that’s ‘in the book’ or not. What you feel is valid.
If you’re experiencing what I call ‘bump loss’, don’t feel ashamed or silly. The amount of women that I have spoken to since experiencing it myself that have also felt it, is astonishing. Allow yourself the time to adjust, to feel ‘normal’ again. Things get better, and the feeling eases eventually.
You’re doing an amazing job, you got this mama!