Have you seen the former me?
I have been feeling a little lost recently. Like I have lost myself or my identity. I am not sure where this feeling has stemmed from. Maybe it’s the fact that when I look in the mirror I don’t like what I see.
Or maybe it’s that I’m me, but I’m not.
I’m the same, but different.
I have found myself, but in the process – lost myself.
Since finding out I was pregnant and having Zachary I have completely grown and evolved into a new person.
I still feel like me, but I also feel like I’ve lost a little bit of me too. I don’t look the same, I don’t feel the same and I certainly don’t think the same.
Everything that I am now, I have grown into as I became a mother. I am a better person, and I have added ‘Mummy’ to my list of identifiers. I identify as a mother, because that’s what I am. And from the moment I gave birth, I gave birth to my new self too.
I am completely and utterly accepting of myself as a new person. This is who I am, and who I need to be. But recently I feel like I have also lost myself in the same breath. For the most part, it is mostly the visual me I do not recognise. The tired eyes – the grown out, flat hair. The un-manicured nails and pale complexion. The body that stands in front of me in the mirror every day.
I feel like no matter what I do, I still do not look like me. If I wear my hair and makeup the same as I did before, I still look different.
It’s an incredibly strange sensation, to know who you are but also feel like you are lost.
With every identifier that I have, being a mother will always come first.
Sometimes it is just nice to remember I am also me. I am a partner, a daughter, a sister, a woman and a person who deserves to be happy with herself. And if that means taking a step back to allow myself the time to rediscover who I am, then so be it.
I might need to change what I look like on the outside to marry up to what I feel like on the inside, but for now I’m not quite sure what that it. Not until I find it anyway. I am toying with the idea of changing my hair? but what if I hate it. what if I find out that the hair I have now is what makes me look like me?
Do you see where this is going? it’s an endless circle unless you break it.
Post partum is a rough ride. It is so much more than recovering from birth. It’s adjusting in every way possible to a completely different way of life, in every aspect imaginable. It’s okay. Accept it. It takes a while to adjust, and that’s fine. Don’t be so hard on yourself either. It’s easy to forget about yourself when you’re so wrapped up in your new little baby.
Have self love. If you don’t have it, learn to have it. It will get you through and give you self worth. And in turn the self worth and self love will feed one another and grow. And you will grow and become a better you, day by day.
“Love yourself, be yourself and find yourself. You’ll get there if you’re not already. Some roads are longer than others.”